Perfect Love

By Lauren Humphries, Chosen Volunteer

Perfect love casts out fear.
1 John 4:18

Many years ago, we had a five-year-old foster child whose name was Georgie. He had come to us from a home with a lot of drinking and anger. His parents really loved him, but they also go out of control at times. He was the oldest of three, and his siblings were very young and needy. Much of their care actually fell to him. He had the sweetest heart. He would get up in the morning to change his sibling’s diapers, make them bottles, and prepare cereal for breakfast. He knew how to make them happy and tried his best to care for them well. That’s a lot of responsibility for a child who hasn’t even gone to kindergarten.

Georgie was a loving, kind, and obedient child. The only thing was, even the smallest of corrections would cause him to become super upset, way more than seemed necessary for the situation at hand. He would cry and scream anytime an adult asked him not to do something minor. He would throw the biggest fits over a one minute time out. We tried to help him through these times, predict the behaviors, and help him see how to fix it, but we couldn’t get to the bottom of why small things could seem so big to him.

One night at bedtime, after a small correction, Georgie had a major meltdown. It was over something so inconsequential that I don’t even remember the exact catalyst. To anyone else, it wouldn’t have even seemed like a big deal, but for him, it was the end of the world. He was crying and screaming and threw everything out of his bed. He got so worked up he literally chewed on the wooden bedposts. We tried to calm him down—tried turning on the lullabies, tried talking, praying, even holding him—but he was inconsolable

Finally, after what seemed like half the night, he was able to talk with us. The first thing he asked, with little fear-filled eyes, was, “Will I still be in trouble tomorrow?”

Wow. My brain had no concept that this little, sweet, independent boy could be so afraid of being in trouble tomorrow, and then it finally clicked. He had come from an environment where there wasn’t a guarantee of the end of trouble. He didn’t know what would happen when someone would get home from work; he didn’t know how long the anger would last. His fits were fear-based; he would escalate so quickly because of the fear of what he had previously experienced.

As soon as we understood that, we were able to change our ways to help him see that the trouble would end, and he was able to sit in timeout without any issues and get up and go play. Once he knew we would help him through that fear, the behaviors dropped away.

This story has stuck in my mind and guided me ever since. It doesn’t matter if you are 5 or 25, fear changes us and our behaviors. Until there is relationship, fear dictates behavior. The Bible says, “Perfect love casts out fear.” As mentors, we have the opportunity to be a part of young people’s lives, to walk with them and build trust that can help calm their fears.

So what does this look like practically speaking?

It looks like going with them to doctors appointments or financial aid meetings. Standing beside them as they navigate new things that are oftentimes scary and overwhelming for young people. It looks like forgiveness when mistakes are made, openness about your own strengths and weaknesses, and understanding and grace when there is pain. Jesus is our best example, which is pretty hard to compare to; but what a gift that God actually wants each of us to be an example of Jesus’ love in someone else’s life! The most amazing part is that when there is fear, we can always point them back to our hope in the “perfect love" that casts out fear.